What I Really Am
by Ravensnake
Summary: Bella has chosen a side. She chose the safe one. She chose Jacob. Post New Moon. Edward's POV, as he awaits his death. Rated T to be safe.


Alright, I have no idea where this came from. I was in the middle of writing something totally different, when the song came on and this fic just popped into my head. I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ms. Meyer owns everything.

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__Never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing, tired of living like a blind man, sick of signing out a sense of feeling. This is how you remind me . . . this is how you remind me of what I really am. This is how you remind me of what I really am. _

It was times like these that my existence was rubbed in my face. Times like these that I cursed what I was. The times that Bella reminded me of what I wasn't, what I couldn't give her. She stood in front of me, with Jacob Black at her side. She seemed to be holding something back. But she had made her decision, picked her side. She chose him. The one she could lead a happy life with. I know this . . . and yet . . . I cannot seem to accept it. I always told her I wasn't good for her. I knew that the constant danger would finally get to her. I suppose that, somewhere deep in my mind, I had hoped she'd never really realize it. That she'd stay with me, although I knew I was being selfish. Taking her away like I did was wrong.

She held his hand, watching me with a blank face. I looked at the boy. He didn't look any younger than Bella. They were perfect for each other, I knew that. But my mind and heart did not, could not, agree. So, once again in less than two years, I face my death.

_It's not like you to say sorry. I was waiting on a different story. This time I'm mistaken, for handing you a heart worth breaking. And I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head, scream are we having fun yet? Yeah . . . yeah . . . no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no . . ._

"I'm sorry Edward . . ." There was no emotion in her voice. She wasn't supposed to apologize. Her blank face didn't show any emotion either. As I looked at her, I realized that, every second I spent thinking of her, I was on a different step towards my death, falling little by little into the abyss I knew awaited me. I gave her my heart, albeit a silent one. She broke it. She chose him.

I suppose I am to blame. I had made my own choices. I abandoned her for so long . . . it's only fair that she found someone to replace me, to help her. I was at my worse while away, hiding in sewers, cellars. I lived with the rats, like my ancestors. I deserved what would happen to me now. I had brought this upon myself by leaving.

I had always wondered what my death would be like. I always thought I would die at the hands of the Volturi, if I ever died at all. I was wrong. I would die at the hands of my Bella, and her dog. I found this thought amusing for some reason. I smiled in spite of myself. I would be free after this was over.

_It's not like you didn't know that . . . I said I love you and I swear I still do. It must have been so bad . . . 'Cuz then that woman must have damn near killed you. This is how you remind me of what I really am . . . This is how you remind me of what I really am._

The wolves around me began to close in.

"I love you Bella. Never forget." There was still no emotion on her face, but I swear I saw something flicker behind her eyes. Her hand twitched. 'I brought this upon myself.' I repeated this like a mantra in my head. It was my fault Victoria almost killed her, after all. That was really what made Bella choose. I had not been around to save her from Victoria. She had come so close to dying. Jacob Black had saved her, had killed Victoria. Ripped her to shreds, something that would have taken the combined efforts of all the males in my family. They were gone, though. They knew the decision I had made, and no one had objected. Out loud, at least. That's when my attention was brought to the boy's thoughts.

'Finally, the bloodsucker will die.' I laughed bitterly. Bloodsucker. What an appropriate name. Once again, I was reminded of what I was.

_It's not like you to say sorry. I was waiting on a different story. This time I'm mistaken, for handing you a heart worth breaking. And I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head, scream are we having fun yet? Yeah . . .yeah, yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no. . . ._

They moved closer. Everything seemed to be moving so slowly. There was a flicker of recognition or understanding in Bella's eyes. What happened next made everything move even slower.

_Never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing, this is how you remind me . . . this is how you remind me . . . This is how you remind me of what I really am. This I show you remind me of what I really am. _

I never was good at anything. I was always too blind to see what was right in front of me. At that moment, right after the flicker in Bella's eyes, she jumped at me. The only problem was, the wolves had lunged as well. She wrapped her arms around me, buried her face in my chest, and cried. She had moved faster than anyone was used to seeing. No one reacted fast enough. Not even me.

_It's not like you to say sorry. I'm always swinging on a different story. This time I'm mistaken, for handing you a heart worth breaking. And I've been wrong, I've been down, to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head, scream are we having fun yet? Yeah . . . yeah . . . are we having fun yet? Yeah . . . yeah . . . are we having fun yet . . . no . . . no . . ._

"I'm so sorry, I love you, Ed-" She never finished the sentence. No one had been paying attention to her, no one had noticed that she was there, in my arms. As their claws dug into my skin, they dug into her skin, as well. A sob escaped my lips before I heard the boy scream.

"BELLA!" I fell back, allowing myself to die. Bella was already dead. The fact that I was a vampire made it take longer, and I was too badly wounded to recover. A vampire could not recover from a wolf's bite or attack. I pulled her closer, knowing that, when I passed out, I would never see her again. She was in Heaven now, a place that was forever lost to me.

I heard the boy begin to cry. He just stood there, unable to bear coming close to me. And then the darkness took me.

I felt an extreme happiness overtake me. I opened my eyes to meet a blinding light. The light was coming from an angel. To be more precise, it was coming from Bella. I didn't understand. Bella couldn't be damned to the Hell I was supposed to be in.

"This isn't Hell, Edward." She ran towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me. I snaked my arms around her waist and returned the kiss. When we separated, I spoke.

"Carlisle was right . . ." She looked up at me, smiling. Then she frowned.

"Edward I'm so sorry . . . I can't believe I caused your death."

"Shh. It's alright, love. I don't blame you for what you did. You saw the danger I presented, you did what any person in their right mind would do. You made the safe choice."

"Yes, but it wasn't the right one." She kissed me again, and I was suddenly glad I had not let the Volturi kill me. Glad that it had been the wolves. We separated again, and she led me towards an even brighter light than herself.

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Well, that's it. I _was _going to let Edward die by himself, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt horrible, so I killed Bella, too.

Thanx for reading and please review!


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